I am an avid Teen Mom 2 watcher. The drama! The boyfriends! The shitty parenting! The bad spray tans! The horrific life decisions! One of my "favorites" is Jennelle Evans. She consistently makes terrible decisions, like going to a Ke$ha concert and telling her lawyer how IMPORTANT this concert is and that she needs her jail sentence to start later so she can attend. Or that she is constantly moving in and out of people's houses, dropping out of school, violating her probation, etc. I feel sorry for her. She reminds me of a combination of a few of my friends: girl with an absent father, suffering from bipolar disorder where she self-medicated for years with drugs and alcohol, young mom, has a mother who is not nurturing or so frustrated she just can't deal with her daughter, lack of funds, lack of emotional support or role models to understand that physical abuse is not acceptable. I want to hug her and shake her and lock her away until she gets her shit together. And bake a lot of muffins for her. Muffins help everything.
So I wasn't shocked, but I was sad to hear this morning that she is pregnant again.
Sad because last night when I was making a door snake for the draft in our kitchen door with my husband, I picked up the 5lb bag of rice and went to pour it into the fabric sleeve he was holding, turned to him and said "This feels like I'm holding a baby!" and then I started crying and ran upstairs and buried my face in the bed. Holy hormones and baby rabies! I collected myself and then tried to divert the conversation to the "note" I had left in husbando's bathroom in eyeliner: "The chamber of secrets has been opened!" haha Silly right? And then I made banana cranberry muffins and drank a bottle of wine!
I've been pretty down about the baby thing. Trying not to think about it has been working, until last night. It's easy to then pull every negative thing about myself out: I can't get pregnant, my business is slow, I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm unmotivated, I suck at everything. It takes almost all of my energy to not get negative, but I'm trying.
And, in the car this morning driving to work, what comes on the radio? Ke$ha! Point for you universe!